4 Steps to Talking to Your Woman About Porn

You have studied my articles “Debunking 10 Common Christian Arguments Against Porn”, “Politically Incorrect Facts About Porn”, “How Does Watching Porn and Masturbating Glorify God?” and “4 Steps to Overcoming the Porn Use Guilt Cycle”.  You have studied all the Scriptures and facts I supplied in those articles.  You have prayed and sought the Lord’s guidance. 

Now with his help you have triumphed over the cultural conditioning that made you feel guilty for exercising your God given masculine sexual nature within the bounds of his law.

So, how do you approach your woman about the subject of porn? The answer is very carefully.  The reason I used the word “woman” instead of wife is because some men might choose to have this conversation before they are even engaged to a woman.  Others may wait until they are engaged and some may want to wait until after they are married.  Some men won’t have the option of deciding when to have this discussion because they won’t make the discovery that porn use in moderation and within the bounds of God’s law is not sinful until after they are already married .

You Must Understand the Feminine Human nature Before Having This Discussion

The Bible exhorts men to deal with their women “according to knowledge”:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

1 Peter 3:7 (KJV)

There are many applications of the phrase “according to knowledge” in the context of how husbands go about certain things with their wives.  Even before marriage while dating or even engaged a man must learn how his woman ticks.  But while every woman has differences from other women, there are some patterns of behavior and thinking which are simply innate to the feminine human nature.

The first thing that is innate to the feminine nature is that women by definition approach sex from an emotional perspective.  It is how a woman feels about a man and how he makes her feel which arouses her to want sex.  For us as men, we could see a woman across the room and not even know her name or have said one word to her and we could be aroused sexually by her.  And that is of course because the masculine sexual nature is primarily physically driven.

This is why for most women porn does not compute. 

Why would a man want to look at images of naked women with whom he has no relationship? This is what goes through a woman’s mind.   And you have to know that going into this discussion with your woman.

Secondly, you need to recognize that many women are extremely insecure when it comes to their relationship with their men.   So, if they see you looking at another woman in real life, or if even if you are just looking at some random woman in a magazine, their feminine nature makes them feel insecure as if they are not enough for you. 

This insecurity can be so strong in some women that they actually divorce their husbands, not for having an actual affair, but simply for looking at other women or for looking at porn.

Now there is another type of woman.  This woman wants to be worshiped by her husband.  She wants his complete and utter focus to be on her and her alone.  So, if her husband even so much as glances at another woman, let alone looks at porn, this is considered an act idolatry against her.

The sad truth that you as a man must realize is that the modern church actually upholds the feminine sexual nature as holy and righteous and the masculine sexual nature as carnal and wicked. 

And most churches today teach women that their insecurities or pride toward their husbands, wanting him to focus all his sexual thoughts on them and them alone, is from God himself.

In fact, many churches even encourage their women in keeping their husbands sexually accountable.  They are constantly checking for him glancing at other women and husbands are told they must give their wife the passwords to all their devices.  Many Christian women even install monitoring programs on their husband’s computers.

Now Scripturally speaking we know that it is wicked and sinful for both women and church leaders to disrespect the masculine physically based sexual nature.  And we know that Biblically speaking husbands are not spiritually accountable to their wives.   A woman’s possessive jealousy over her husband is actually a corruption of her feminine nature.  She was made for him; he was not made for her (1 Corinthians 11:9).   And as I show in Larry Solomon’s series on BiblicalSexology.com, “Why Polygamy Is Allowed and Even Blessed By God”, the husband does not exclusively belong to his wife, but rather the wife exclusively belongs to her husband. 

And it is with this knowledge of the feminine nature, as well as the current state of church teachings, that you must approach this conversation with your woman. Now we can discuss the steps to talking with your woman about porn.

4 Steps to Talking to Your Woman About Porn

Below are several steps to talking with your wife about porn.  The steps must be followed in order and only when your woman has successfully submitted to the teachings of each step can you move on to the next step.

Step #1 – Your Woman Must Be First Be Groomed

Before you can even begin to have this conversation about porn with your woman, she must first be groomed by you as her man.  See Larry Solomon’s article on Biblicalgenderroles.com “7 Steps to Grooming Your Young Christian Wife”.  Even if your woman is older, it is not unheard of for some men to have success grooming women much later in life.  But the chances of success with older women go down drastically. Regardless of whether she is young or old, if she cannot be successfully groomed according to Biblical principles, then I am sorry, but you will not be able to share your new found freedom to use porn with your woman.   If you are unable to successfully groom your woman, see my section below entitled “Porn and the Un-Groomed Woman”.

Step #2 – Introduce Your Woman to Concept of Biblical Polygamy

Once you have a fully groomed woman, now you are ready to go on to introduce the concept of Biblical polygamy. 

Remember what we said earlier in our introduction.  Most women due to a common sinful corruption of the feminine nature, will believe that God meant for you as their man to exclusively belong to them.  So, they will instinctually reject the concept of polygamy as an original part of God’s perfect design of man’s sexual nature.  But instead, they will see it as a sinful corruption.  And it is your task to show them that such thinking is directly contrary to the Word of God.

The Bible only allows one form of polygamy, and that is a man having multiply wives which is actually called polygyny.  See Larry Solomon’s series on BiblicalSexology.com entitled “Why Polygamy Is Allowed and Even Blessed By God” to learn more about this critical subject that you need to teach to your wife.  The point of using this series is not to convince your woman to accept you taking on other wives, but rather the point is to convince her of the truth that men have polygynous sexual natures.  When your woman understands that God allows you as a man to actually have multiple wives, you just fantasizing about having multiple wives becomes much easier for her to accept and process.

Step #3 – Debunk Common Christian Teachings against Porn

Now that your woman firmly accepts that men, including you, are designed by God with polygynous natures and that it is normal and acceptable before God for you to enjoy sexual fantasies about other women you can talk about the subject of porn.  Use the information I supply in my articles “Debunking 10 Common Christian Arguments Against Porn” and “Politically Incorrect Facts About Porn” as you see fit to answer her concerns and questions.  But while going through this process, your wife needs to remember that you are her spiritual authority and she is to learn and accept your interpretation and application of the Scriptures.  This is not a debate.  But instead the reason you are going through these materials with her is to make it easier for her to accept, understand and submit to your teaching that you as a man sexually fantasizing about other women or looking at other women in porn is not sinful.

Step #4 – Teach Her That Your Sexual Fantasizing About Women and Watching Porn Is Glorious

Up to this point you have taught your woman that God designed men, including you, with a polygynous sexual nature and you have also shown her why it is not wrong for you to exercise that polygynous nature by the use of porn.  But now you need to discuss why it not only not wrong, but actually RIGHT for you to use porn to exercise your polygynous sexual nature and how this can actually bring glory to God.   For this teaching you should review my article “How Does Watching Porn and Masturbating Glorify God?”.

Conclusion of the 4 Steps

And that is it.  Those are the four steps to talking to your woman about porn.  You will need to realize that each of the steps outlined here may take longer with some women than with others. And you also need to understand there are different levels of success in having this talk with your woman about porn.  Some women may fully embrace these teachings right from the beginning and will fully accept your masculine polygynous nature and that you fantasizing about other women or looking at porn is no threat to them and it is not wrong.  

But for others, they may only outwardly submit to your teachings and obey your commands while still internally struggling with these concepts for months or even years to come.  As men, we need to realize that God only holds us account for our wife’s outward words and actions, not her internal thoughts. 

God will hold her accountable for her thoughts and it is only when she is fully submitted in her thoughts to him that she will finally obey from heart, and not just because she has to.

Porn and the Un-Groomed Woman

An ungroomed woman is a woman who refuses to submit to her place in God’s design.  She refuses to regard her husband or future husband as her owner, her head and her teacher.   So, the question is how do you handle your porn use with such a woman?

If you not married to her yet and you see that she is such an un-submissive woman, then it is probably time to dump her and move on to another woman.  But if you are already married to her, God does not allow men to divorce their wives for un-submissiveness.  He only allows men to divorce their wives for sexual immorality (Matthew 19:9).

If you find yourself in this situation of being married to an un-submissive woman, it is best that you do not share your thoughts on porn as well as the fact that you actually look at porn. 

To do so would be subjecting yourself to your wife’s sinful jealousy, rage and anger and she will most likely try to sinfully shame you in front of others for your views or use of porn.  Your wife may even go to extreme of divorcing you for revealing your thoughts and actions regarding porn.

Should I Talk to My Girlfriend or Fiancé About Porn?

Some Christian men choose to go through the complete grooming process before marriage, just short of actually having sexual relations with the woman.  Others choose to only confirm that the prerequisites for grooming are there in a woman, that she believes the Bible to be in errant Word of God, that she must live by every word of it and that her future husband will be her spiritual head and teacher.  So obviously your discussion about porn is very much dependent on whether you complete the grooming process before marriage or after marriage.

There are good arguments to be made for both approaches.   Some men may prefer to get everything out of the way before they marry a woman and if there are any problems before marriage, they can simply break the engagement and move on.  And this approach leaves little room for surprises to occur after marriage.

However, the downside of trying to fully complete the grooming process on a woman before marriage as well as having the polygamy and porn talk out of the way is that you may actually scare off a woman that would be a great Christian wife.

The following advice can be very applicable for men when it comes to their women. 

“He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.”

Proverbs 17:27-28 (KJV)

With some women, it may not be wise for a man to fully reveal his full thoughts on human sexuality from a Biblical perspective and especially his thoughts on porn before marriage.  The reason is that just as he is not yet bound to her in marriage, so too she is not yet bound to him in marriage.  In this case she can simply exit the dating arrangement or even engagement in the hopes of moving on to a man who does not actually know what the Bible says about human sexuality.

It is very possible that you could find a lovely and godly Christian woman who fully believes that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God, that she must live by every word of it, that when you marry you will be her head and teacher and that she is bound to you for life after making her vows before God.

And if you reveal your whole “hand of cards” before marriage you may spook her and she may go running for the hills.  However, if you wait to complete the grooming process till after marriage and the slowly reveal your whole hand as to your views of human sexuality from a Biblical perspective she cannot run.  She has now committed herself to you as her owner, her head and her teacher for life.  She

When you consider that the Biblical understanding of male sexuality and porn use is extremely politically incorrect in both the Christian and non-Christian worlds today, I believe it is best for a man to hold these cards back until after he and his girlfriend or fiancé have entered into a covenant of marriage before God as husband and wife.